Friday, June 8, 2018

A Helpful Suggestion to Bring Back Coal

As everyone knows, there is nothing that means more to Green Eagle than helping our President come to the aid of the (white) working class that he cares so much about.  Of course, there is no white worker that Trump cares more about than coal miners, so Green Eagle wants to propose a sure fire plan to bring the coal industry roaring back to life in the United States:  coal powered cars!

Why didn't anyone ever think of that before?

Well, they did, so it's time for a little Green Eagle History Lesson.  In fact, here is the first car ever produced on a commercial basis, in the 19th century:
This was a steam car, which could be powered by wood or coal.  Of course, steam cars are not really very practical, so Green Eagle went looking for a car with a more traditional combustion engine which could be powered by ground coal.  It turns out that during the worst European fuel shortages during World War II, some cars were actually converted to run on ground coal injected into the cylinders.  Here's an example, from a certain European country famous for its involvement in the war:

And very visually appealing. Well, maybe that could work out today.  And of course, Trump might turn for inspiration to the following vehicle, also coal powered:
This truck is manufactured in that industrial powerhouse, Trump's new best friends, North Korea.

Well, here is my proposal for the executive actions that Trump might want to take:

First of all, declare a national emergency and remove all environmental restrictions on coal powered vehicles, which are of course massive sources of pollution.

Second, take a few billion dollars away from useless government programs like health care for children, who after all contribute nothing to the national economy, and devote it to a massive program to build plants to grind coal into fine dust, and work out whatever minor problems occur in modifying auto production to produce coal powered cars.

And third, ban any car company from the United States market that does not sell at least 20% coal powered vehicles.  This would make it impossible for virtually any foreign car company to sell cars in the U.S. since they depend on world-wide sales and no one on earth (except apparently in North Korea, not the world's most active car market) would want one of these things unless it was forced down their throats.  It would be a field day for American car companies and their inferior products.

And finally, designate the entire State of West Virginia as a site for mountaintop removal.  I mean, when you are on a roll, why not? 

This program would vastly increase the number of people needed in the coal industry, as well as screwing all those foreign car companies.  What's not to like?

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