Jonah Goldberg, Town Hall: "It's hard for a lot of people, particularly on the right, to recognize that the conservative movement's problems are mostly problems of success."
Success at destroying the economy.
Michael Walsh, PJ Media: "That Texas Republican who's threatening legislation to jail any gun-grabbin' federales in the Lone Star State actually has history on his side."
Let him give jailing the federales a try and see what history has in store for him.
Michael Barone, Town Hall: "To judge from his surly demeanor and defiant words at his press conference on Monday, Barack Obama begins his second term with a strategy to defeat and humiliate Republicans rather than a strategy to govern."
And here's his strategy to defeat and humiliate Republicans: tell the American people what they really believe. And, it's working. Sorry about that, Michael.
Paul R. Greenberg, Town Hall: "They introduce themselves politely in restaurants or diners, in a movie lobby or at some civic event, even in front of the Little Rock gate in Atlanta, which has become a kind of Arkansas crossroads. ("You don't know me, but . . .") Then they thank me for remembering Robert E. Lee every January 19th with a column on his birthday."
They are the racist haters among us. I'm sure you are really proud, Paul, of receiving their thanks for keeping alive the memory of the terrorist commander whose fanatics killed more Americans than anyone else in history.
Wes Vernon, Renew America: "Stalin's secret agents: why their deeds still matter in the 21st century"
Because Republican lunatics have run out of wacko conspiracy theories involving anything that happened less than seventy years ago?
Jen Schroeder, Renew America: "Gun Rights: When do we pick up arms and fight?"
Right now, Jen. Do it. I'm really excited to find out how that works out for you. After all of your blabbing over the years, let's see how effective a pack of lunatics with assault rifles really is against the armed forces. That should make for a really good reality show- Here Come the Adult Honey Boo Boos- And This Time They're Really Angry.
For a sample of how idiotic this all is, let's let Jen continue with her "reasoning:"
"God told us through the prophets what is to come that we would believe and many of us have recognized the slow turn of the wheels which have begun. I believe we are being divided by the angels as they separate the wheat from the tares or weeds, indeed as they bundle the weeds for burning...Did you wonder how we all seem to be so blind and deaf to each other's point of view, wonder how the other side cannot see what is obvious? I contend, this is why! They are being blinded as their time runs out, the separation is becoming distinct, depraved minds are falling deeper into their own depravity and they can't even comprehend they are falling."
We cannot see what is obvious? Wrong, Jen. We can see what is obvious: that you are a deeply ignorant person who can't come up with a single rational reason for the rest of us to give in to your idiotic demands, so you hallucinate the notion that you are doing it because God told you to do it. And the rest of us are just so stupid and evil that we can't understand that the whole world exists to do what Jen Schroeder wants.
Before It's News: "Death Platforms Appear In Sky"
Oh my God, they broke the bullshit meter. Here's a picture of a death platform, from which, apparently, Obama intends to rain down destruction on somebody:
When I first read this, I thought it was about those famous death panels. Whatever; anyone who can't see in a second that the "death platform" was added to this picture has obviously never spent five minutes with photoshop. This picture brought to you by the same people responsible for "SANDY HOOK HOAX BLOWN TO PIECES - THE ACTORS, PUPPETS AND MOTIVES - GUN CONTROL AGENDA SCAM" and "Martians Discovered In Siberian Permafrost." I give thelast story more chance of turning out to be true than the ones about Sandy Hook and the death platforms.
Katie Pavlich, Town Hall: "Obama Launches Major Alinsky-Style Community Organizing Project From the White House"
Alinsky. My diagnosis: either this was written by a fellow parrot, or by someone suffering from Tourette's syndrome. Poor Katy. So sad to turn yourself into a maundering geezer by the time you are 22.
Oliver North, Town Hall: "Guns"
Why don't you write an article entitled "drug dealing," Ollie? After your years as assistant to the head of CIA front Air America, the world's largest importer of illegal heroin in its day, it's probably something you know more about.
Linda Chavez, Town Hall: "The Speech President Obama Should Give"
And it would be really short, too, according to Linda: "Fuck the poor." Linda, we learn from the article, is " chairman of the Center for Equal Opportunity." Equal opportunity for rich guys to rob the rest of us blind, I guess.
David Mitchell, Town Hall: "Obama Goes Oh-23-3...A winless record is usually a good indication of a team that doesn’t know what it’s doing and is in over its head."
Funny, I seem to remember a win. When was it now? Oh yeah, last November 6th. I guess you forgot that one, David.
Anna Higgins, Town Hall: "A Pro-Life Reminder for Planned Parenthood: Don’t Mess With Texas"
Or as they used to say, "Planned Parenthood, never underestimate the enemy's ability to be bigger assholes than was previously believed humanly possible." And as for Anna:
"Anna Higgins, J.D., is director of the Center for Human Dignity"
Human dignity. That's like making Joseph Goebbels the director of the Center for Telling the Truth. No, wait...that's giving Anna way too much credit. Joseph Goebbels was one of the most malignant liars in world history. Anna is just one more garden variety right wing jerk, saying what she gets paid to say. And don't forget, there's a really good chance that Goebbels actually believed a lot of what he said. No question of that with Anna. She's in it for the money.
Ann Coulter, Town Hall: "Guns Don't Kill People, the Mentally Ill Do"
A lot of the mentally ill spend their time writing right wing political columns, too, Ann.
Andrew Roth, Red State: "Would You Knowingly Let a Thief into Your Home? How much sympathy would you garner from your friends if a thief stole everything you owned after you knowingly invited him into your home? That’s what House conservatives do when they support “the rule” on bad pieces of legislation."
I.e. House Conservatives have betrayed the country whenever they do not do everything they can to make the government even more dysfunctional than it already is. Well, here is the only rational comment about letting a burglar into your home:
At least a burglar isn't an encyclopedia salesman. Or a Republican, who would probably try to get you to pay for the Encyclopedia of Lies.
Daniel Horowitz, Red State: "Will Red State Democrats Abjure Their Principles With the Filibuster?"
Republicans staking out the high ground: they don't have to worry about abjuring their principles, seeing as how they don't have any.
And now, more from Steve Stockman, the current odds on favorite to replace Michelle Bachmann as the dumbest and most malicious person in Congress:
"The Texan believes it is time for conservatives in the House to embrace the principles that “made us great.” He plans to introduce a bill to cut taxes across the board. “And it will be called the Kennedy Clinton Act"
Listen, Steve, why not introduce a bill to make child sex abuse legal and call it the Obama Biden act? How about introducing a bill to relegalize slavery and call it the Abraham Lincoln act? Or a bill to dissolve the Federal government altogether, and call it the George Washington Thomas Jefferson act?
The sad thing is, I predict Steve Stockman will get around to introducing at least one of these bills before Texas voters come to their senses and kick him out of Congress for the second time.
Alan Keyes, World Net Daily: "The 'natural born' need not apply...To those of us determined to preserve that idea, nature matters. It matters because it reflects the benevolent rule endowed by the Creator God. People whose hearts take to this rule are natural born Americans, by an inheritance of the spirit no one can strip away. People who reject it are not and can never be true Americans, no matter the prestigious stack of Bibles on which they falsely swear to uphold the way of life they are out to destroy. Thanks to the fatal corruption of the present sham party system, the natural born citizens of the United States must these days do without representation, under leaders imposed by specious ethnic birthright in a scheme that takes account of every claim of birth except the one the Constitution preserves."
Oh, I see now...You are a natural born citizen if you are willing to pander to the most ignorant and stupid people in the country; you are not a natural born citizen if you are a Democrat. That's what it says in a part of the Constitution written in invisible ink that can only be read by jerks. Well, that clears up that issue. Thanks so much, Alan.
Town Hall: "Democrats Prepare Big Inauguration Weekend Festivities"
Because only Democrats see anything to be happy about when, as the Founding Fathers intended, our national institutions continue to produce elected leaders. Well, here's one right wing raving I agree with.
Town Hall: "Justin Bieber's Mother Produces Anti-Abortion Film"
Justin Bieber's mother? Maybe she should rethink the issue of abortion.
Bryan Fischer, Renew America: "Darwinians have no explanation for origin of life; we do...NBC News breathlessly headlines a piece on its website today, "Theorists are pumped up about their new origin of life proposal."
What does this headline prove? That scientists still to this day have no earthly idea how life got here. None. Zip. Nada. All they have are fanciful theories."
Whereas, Bryan, you have a patently ridiculous myth, and a two thousand year history of being willing to kill anyone who disagrees with it. Here's something you might want to think about: Evolutionary theory is about how life evolved, not how it originated, or we would have called it origination or something. You might as well dismiss evolution for not explaining why the sky looks blue.
Of course, all of the above relies for its relevance on the assumption that jerks like Bryan Fischer give a damn about what is true or false, instead of just being out to batter people into giving up and letting them have their stupid, vicious way.
Kevin Fobbs, Renew America: "Will you support your state and sheriff that defy Obama Gun Control Orders"
Only if you are a traitor.
Lloyd Marcus, Renew America: "Obama despicably using kids to undermine the Second Amendment via executive order is a perfect example of why the Tea Party can not go away."
Too late, Lloyd. The tea party went away the second the Koch brothers stopped paying for it.
Lloyd is a particularly sorry sight- a man who sold his soul to serve people who hate him and his kind, and is now desperately trying to pretend that these people (as illustrated in his article) give a damn about him:
Notice anything? Nobody who looks like Lloyd:
Anyway, here's something else Lloyd had to say today:
"Even now, folks on our side are still beating up on Sarah Palin, saying Palin has lost her appeal -- Palin is unelectable -- Palin wasn't smart enough -- Palin wasn't prepared, etc. So this is how we treat our heroes."
So, that's how we treat our "heroes-" by telling the truth about them. How dare we?
Laurie Roth, Renew America: "2nd Installment--War against mental and physical health industry"
I don't know about the mental health industry, but I think otherwise Laurie is really on to something here- as is usual, Obama gun regulation is a JOB KILLER!!! -Jobs for emergency room doctors.
Star Parker, World Net Daily: "Could Dr. King have given inaugural benediction? Famed pastor also would have been 'pushed off the stage' as a bigot"
You know what? Any right wing loon who uses Martin Luther King to try to make a point should be punched in the face. Anyone out there have a problem with that?
Russ Vaughan, American Thinker: "Should the Second Amendment Have Been the First? Without the implied protection of force of arms, every other article in the Bill of Rights amounts to so much wishful thinking -- mere ink upon paper."
Notice the phrase "implied protection of force of arms." That's because neither Russ nor any other right wing Jackass on earth can come up with an example in our 240 year history when real force of arms against the government ever protected a single one of our rights (other, of course, than temporarily protecting our right to own other people.) On the other hand, force of arms did result in lots of dead people at their great triumphant acts of resistance to tyranny at Waco and Ruby Ridge. Looking on the bright side, I guess if they want to kill themselves in supreme acts of idiocy, that's their choice, I guess.
Rick Moran, American Thinker: "Poll: NRA more popular than Obama"
This would be a poll from Gallup, which also said that Romney was going to crush Obama, and ended up the worst performing polling group in the 2012 election. Right now, the NRA is about as popular as cockroaches. If you don't believe that, Rick, you need to get a life.
Breitbart: "2016 Preview: Rand Paul Rips Christie for NRA Bluster"
Rand Paul versus Chris Christie? Let me give you an analogy to help you understand what that will be like: First, Rand Paul gets to sit on Chris Christie, then Chris Christie gets to sit on Rand Paul. That's how a contest between those two will work out. Say, that reminds me...did you ever hear the story of the lion and the rabbit? Oh, wait...forget it. Green Eagle is a family blog, after all.