Well, here's the best I can do:
Daniel Doherty, Town Hall: "Blame Kim: Top North Korean Official Suffers Horrible, Sickening Death"
Being blown up with an artillery shell. Still, in my mind, a better fate than writhing in agony for forty minutes or so while the State of Oklahoma runs corrosive chemicals through your veins.
Matt Vespa, Town Hall: "Some Mississippi State-Owned Parks Still Prohibit Open Carry"
And now, some news from that other universe that many Conservatives live in:
Alex Smith, Town Hall: "A Tale of Two Presidential Candidates...It is well documented how the media tend to be more critical of conservative candidates than their liberal counterparts."
Man, these people will say anything. This idiocy seems to revolve around the different degree of seriousness that the candidacies of Hillary Clinton and Carly Fiorina are treated. Gee, I wonder why that might be?
Donald Lambro, Town Hall: "Obama and the Democrats are Fighting, Hillary's Polls are Falling, The Economy's Weaker, The Country's a Mess, Let's Vote!"
A great prospect for Republicans. Or it would be if a single one of those things were true. Of course, by November, 2016, our mainstream press will do everything it can to see to it that as many people as possible think it's all true. So, you don't need to give up quite yet, Republicans, just because your entire Presidential field is a pack of ignorant, corrupt lunatics.
Erick Erickson, Red State: "Knowing what we know now, I would still have voted to go into Iraq in 2003. I think it was the right thing to do and I think the objective data still shows that Saddam Hussein was happy to collaborate with our enemies to undermine us."
Laugh or cry- it's your choice. And don't forget, this guy was hired by CNN to be a news commenter. Our liberal press in action.
Marjorie Dannenfelser, Red State: "Take Action Now to STOP Painful Late-Term Abortions...Tomorrow, Wednesday May 13th, the U.S. House is expected to take up the Pain-Capable Unborn Child Protection Act (H.R. 36). This bill seeks to stop brutal late-term abortions after 20 weeks"
Get why I included this item? "Late-term abortions" now start at 20 weeks, according to these guys. I guess the phrase "late-term abortions" tests well with right wingers, so now they are going to call everything a late-term abortion.
Roger L. Simon, PJ Media: "Sabotage! Will Bill Save Us from Hill? Keep your fingers crossed."
So, at this point, the Republicans are pinning their hopes on the idea that Bill Clinton doesn't know how to run for President, and is going to blow it? Good luck with that one, guys.
And while we are hanging with Roger:
Roger L Simon, PJ Media: "2016 has me just about ready to jump in the time machine, go back to WWII, and come back as a kamikaze pilot."
Whatever, Roger. You are willing to kill yourself if it hurts America enough. The Koch brothers have a job for you. Oh wait, I guess you already have that job, writing this kind of crap.
Joan Swirsky, Renew America: "Pamela Geller -- America's Churchill"
Beyond pathetic. Who could even make fun of that? Remind me, which war did Pam Geller win? On the other hand, I guess no one ever blamed the Gallipoli disaster on her. But of course, Joan is only just starting to dig her hole. I mean, they don't pay your salary over at Renew America to just say one stupid thing per column:
"During WWII, Winston Churchill was the proverbial canary in the coal mine, repeatedly issuing the earliest warnings to the Western world of Hitler's psychotic megalomania and evil intentions. Again, few listened, while prominent, educated, and sanctimonious types derided and vilified Churchill and called him a fear-monger and a hater and a liar. Sound familiar?"
And here, I thought that, once World War II had started, people had pretty much figured out what Churchill was talking about. And let's just remember that Churchill's warnings during the thirties all took place during a Conservative government in Britain, whose leader, Mr. Chamberlain, was not noted for facing the reality of the German threat. Joanie Continues:
"That is why, as journalist Jonah Goldberg points out,..."
Hold it right there- "journalist Jonah Goldberg?" That's like calling my dog a sculptor because of the art objects he leaves in the front yard. Joanie goes on to compare the disgusting race hater Pam Geller, banned for years from Wingnut Wrapup because there is not one thing amusing about her hatred, to Patrick Henry, the Boston Tea Party, Thoreau, Susan B. Anthony, Martin Luther King, and Rosa Parks. I guess she saved Joan of Arc and Jesus for next week's column.
World Net Daily: "Countdown: 4 months to dreaded biblical climax...Storm clouds gathering around U.S., says bestselling author"
Hide under your bed! Well, at least when that dreaded biblical climax comes in 4 months, the people at World Net Daily will be able to pat themselves on the back for having been the only ones to have predicted it.
And now, the most pathetic Hillary scandal yet:
Wasington Free Beacon: "HILLARY 'PLAGIARIZED SELF' REPEATEDLY IN OWN BOOK...Large portions copied from more than dozen public speeches"
Yes, she plagiarized HERSELF! It is now a dastardly act to repeat something that you have ever said before. at least if you are Hillary! The article lists numerous occasions on which she said the same thing twice! Proof of what a dishonest person she is!
Does anyone think this sort of nonsense would be going on if they had anything real on her? Notice that their great book attempting to Swift Boat her seems to have pretty well disappeared without a trace, within a week of its publication date, despite the support of the New York Times and the Washington Post.
Streiff, Red State: "Gay Marriage Activist was engineer in AMTRAK wreck"
Well, now we understand everything. Streiff goes on to imply that the wreck was caused by "risktaking behaviors" characteristic of urban gay men. Now, here's an explanation that makes more sense to me: The guy is 32 years old, and previously worked as a cashier at Target. When railroads in this country were unionized, it took years of experience to become an engineer. Now, working at Target seems to be good enough.
Susan L.M. Goldberg, PJ Media: "Common Core: Creating a Productive Citizenry of Sex-Bots"
Sex-Bots. Susan has this helpful suggestion:
"So, why not promote abstinence, the only method of avoidance with a 100% guarantee?"
Uh maybe because of this:
“At present, there does not exist any strong evidence that any abstinence program delays the initiation of sex, hastens the return to abstinence, or reduces the number of sexual partners. In addition, there is strong evidence from multiple randomized trials demonstrating that some abstinence programs chosen for evaluation because they were believed to be promising actually had no impact on teen sexual behavior.”
Well, damn the facts, we're Conservatives.
*It was , apparently, not a "disservice" to American troops for his brother to have killed 5,000 of them for nothing.